Santa. The name's Santa and I'm not your chum alright?
Stan. Alright fella, just checking your ok and the like.
Santa. What do you want for Christmas then.
Jack. Tits n' arse!
(Raucous cockney laughter).
Stan. Yeah, and a wog slave.
(stunned silence)
Santa. You can't say that!
Jack. He's got a point Stan.
Stan. Oh alright then, I'll have tits n' arse as well!
(raucous cockney laughter)
Santa. Couple of right jumped up cunts aint we? Getting a bit above your station aint ya, after all your just a couple of buss cunts and the like.
Stan. You can't say that you Santa cunt. Fucking pedo!
Santa. At least I'm not the cunt asking for a sex life for Christmas. For a whole month before the day I get it 24 7. Kids come in here, sit on my lap, they'll do anything for a playstation 2!
(Santa grabs his nuts)
Jack. Fuck this old cunt let's do him.
Stan. Fucking right.
(Stan gets his nob out and tears off Santa's trousers and starts doing him up the shitter)
Stan. Call me Rudolph bitch!
(enter Blakey)
Blakey. What the.. Get that cock out!
Stan. Fuck off Blakey you cunt, your next I'm gonna bum rape the whole depot!
Blakey. Your finished Butler, you wont get away with this one!
Stan. Your fucking joking aint ya? I've been a rapist murderer for ten years and I aint been caught yet.
Jack. I think you might have crossed the line this time.
Butler. Fuck you, you conductor cunt, when I've fucked Blakey to death and there's cum steaming out of his ears I'm gonna do you.
Join us next week when Winston Mullins is replaced as writer for 'On the Buses Christmas special prt 2' by Jim Macmarran.
Si, Paul, Winston & Jim formed 'thepress' in December 2005. The first press book, 'The FC Nantes Experiment', by Simon, is available now through Back Page sports bookshop and the usual guff such as Waterstones and Play.com.
www.myspace.com/fuckallthatnet
Please leave a comment here and add yourself as a friend on mypsace... Now fuck off.
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Santa Vs On the Buses prt 1. By Winston Mullins.
If offended easily, please go away.
The yard, exterior, day.
Stan and Jack are looking at a tent.
Stan. What's all this then Jack?
Jack,. It's Santa's grotto innit. Christmas and the like.
Stan. Oh right. What's it doin' on our yard?
Jack. It's for the kids they love a bit.
Stan. I'd love a bit n'all its been bleedin' weeks!
(Raucous cockney laughter)
Jack. Oh bleedin' hell, look out here comes trouble.
(Enter Blakey)
Blakey. Get that bus out!
Stan. Hold your horses Blakey, we're just lookin' at this here grotto
and the like.
Blakey. Never mind that you two get that bus out!
(raucous cockney laughter)
Stan. Hold on will yer? Me n' Jack will have a quick peep and then we'll
be on the road alright?
Blakey. Oh go on then, but be quick. And you be kind n' all, that Santa
is doing all this for nowt, for the kids of the drivers.
Jack. Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh Gaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwdddddddd bless him.
(Inside the grotto)
Stan. Alright chum!
Santa. The name's Santa and I'm not your chum alright?
Stan. Alright fella, just checking your ok and the like.
Santa. What do you want for Christmas then.
Jack. Tits n' arse!
(Raucous cockney laughter).
Stan. Yeah, and a wog slave.
(stunned silence)
Santa. You can't say that!
Jack. He's got a point Stan.
Stan. Oh alright then, I'll have tits n' arse as well!
(raucous cockney laughter)
Santa. Couple of right jumped up cunts aint we? Getting a bit above your
station aint ya, after all your just a couple of buss cunts and the
like.
Stan. You can't say that you Santa cunt. Fucking pedo!
Santa. At least I'm not the cunt asking for a sex life for Christmas.
For a whole month before the day I get it 24 7. Kids come in here, sit
on my lap, they'll do anything for a playstation 2!
(Santa grabs his nuts)
Jack. Fuck this old cunt let's do him.
Stan. Fucking right.
(Stan gets his nob out and tears off Santa's trousers and starts doing
him up the shitter)
Stan. Call me Rudolph bitch!
(enter Blakey)
Blakey. What the.. Get that cock out!
Stan. Fuck off Blakey you cunt, your next I'm gonna bum rape the whole
depot!
Blakey. Your finished Butler, you wont get away with this one!
Stan. Your fucking joking aint ya? I've been a rapist murderer for ten
years and I aint been caught yet.
Jack. I think you might have crossed the line this time.
Butler. Fuck you, you conductor cunt, when I've fucked Blakey to death
and there's cum steaming out of his ears I'm gonna do you.
Join us next week when Winston Mullins is replaced as writer for 'On the
Buses Christmas special prt 2' by Jim Macmarran.
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