On The Buses Christmas Special episode 2

ON THE BUSES & THE WAR ON TERROR
Please note that this episode was written by Winston Mullins as Mr Rance & Mr Brown are away in the nick. If you are slightly confused why we have jumped to episode 2 you needn't be. The first episode contained pedophilia, racism and anal rape and thefuckallthatpress decided to axe it. This episode only contains light violence against children so we have given it the thumbs up. We must stress though that if you feel a complaint coming on do not tell your local MP, email us here at thefuckallthatpress and we will print it off and throw it in the bin.

Stan & Jack are on the bus, happily driving around Marble Arch, when Stan notices a plastic explosive device taped to the accelerator pedal.

Stan: Jack, get up here quick...and the like!
Jack: What is it Stan, ooh eck...and the like! Don't take your foot off the pedal there Stan me ol' mate or we'll blow. This is like that picture flick 'Speed' with Sandra Bollocks...and the like!

(Raucous cockney laughter)

Stan: Yeah, dirty skirt she was and the like!

(Raucous cockney laughter)

Jack: Yeah, I've got a semi just thinking about her filthy tampon...and the like.

(Raucous cockney laughter)

Stan: Well, I better call into Blakey with this here panic.
(On the radio)
Stan: Blakey, come in. Got a problem here and the like. Bomb on bus, if I slow down we all die Blakey.

Blakey: UUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I've got you Butler!

Stan: Blakey? Did you hear me right. There's a bomb on the bus.

Blakey: And? UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Jack: Is that cunt laughing?

Blakey: Fuck off Jack you cunt. UUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Who's the cunt now? UUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And the like. Best news I've ever had. How much diesel you got left Butler?

Stan: I reckon we can keep going for three or four minutes more then it's kaboom!

Blakey: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Get that bomb out! Ha ha ha you fucking cunts. UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jack: Blakey's put the bomb on the bus Stan, he's trying to kill us!

Stan: You fucking cunt Blakey, what about all the innocent people I've got on board?

Blakey: Fuck 'em! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stan: Jack, what the fuck are we going to do and the like?

Jack: See the traffic lights just there, slightly slow down on that bend and...

Stan: Yeah right o Jack, ok and now what?..Jack? Jack?

(Stan spots Jack jump off the back of the bus and leg it)

Stan: You fucking cunt Jack, I'll cut your fucking head off when I catch you! And the like!

(Raucous cockney laughter)
(Stan switches on the tannoy for the passengers)

Stan: Ladies and gents, in this time of heightened security please run for your fucking lives as there is a bomb on the bus. Have yourselves a merry Christmas and a happy new year, and the like.

(Various passengers jump off the back of the bus, but a child with a santa suit on who is clearly deaf taps Stan on the shoulder)

Kid: Why is every one jumping off the bus?
Stan: Eh, oh your deaf are you?

Kid: (reading Stan's lips) Yeah, and the like.

Stan. Have you ever wanted to drive a bus?

Kid: My whole life!

Stan:Well here's your chance kiddo, put your foot down on the pedal, that's it now steer the bus with the wheel. Stop looking at me lips, you'll crash the fucking thing!

Kid: Thanks! This is the best Christmas ever!

Stan: Well, it's your last one so make the most of it. Laters!

(Butler jumps off the bus to raucous cockney laughter and grabs Jack).

Jack: I was just getting help.

Stan: Your a fucking dead man you are you two bob cunt.

(Stan pulls out a previously well concealed Samurai sword and hacks off Jack's head, as the bus ploughs into a capacity crammed KFC and explodes).
(Raucous cockney laughter)

Stan: A merry Christmas to one n' all!

(For some reason known only to the script writer of this filth, Stan Butler is naked at this point and wanking on a granny's corpse).

Tune in next week for prt 3, if we still have a website.