A note on Simon

Hi there, Winston Mullins here. As some of you may know Simon has become a father recently, and although we are happy for him, we have had to let him go until January as he is not the man he used to be. The sabatical was voluntary and to be honest the way the cunt has been acting we had no choice but to oblige.
Since becoming a father Simon has started talking a lot about babies and how they 'change your life, man'. He now thinks we should be curbing the swearing and violence of some of our writing and wants me to put an end to the On The Buses Christmas specials.
Just the other night Simon was watching a film he has much derided in recent times and cried. The film which wil be known only as Cunts Actualy, to save face is a tub of fucking shit and the third in a series from a bunch of middle class twats who gave us the masterpieces Four Weddings & a Cunt and Notting Cunt.
So we look forward to having Simon back when he has realised that life is not a fucking box of chocalates, it is a place where we here at thefuckallthatpress live in a cocoon of self loathing and new journalism of which we will use to save the world when we are good and ready. Get well soon Simon.