On the Buses Christmas Special prt 4

Butler's House Int. The Butlers are sitting down to Christmas dinner...and the like!

Stan. Lovely bit of bird you got 'ere Mum.

Raucous cockney laughter

Olive. Yeah Stan's right, it's the tastiest bit of meat I've had my chops around all year.

Stan. Not much of a surprise when you have to rely on wobbly bits ere for a seeing to.

Close up of Arthur's grumpy face. Raucous cockney laughter.

Arthur. I think we can do without your sordid little comments on this of all days thanks.

Mum. Yes Arthur's right Stan, it's a big day this is.

Stan. Yeah I know, and he's a big cunt!

Raucous cockney laughter.

Olive. Shhh don't swear on the baby Jesus' birthday Stan!

Stan. Oh fuck off you ugly moose and pass me the Aristotle of wine.

Olive passes the bottle and Stan twats her around the head with it, her jaw is broken...Raucous cockney laughter.

Olive. (mumbling) Arthur, are you going to do something?

Arthur. You are joking aint ya? You look far better with a bit of claret covering up that fakin boat of yours.

Raucous cockney laughter.

Mum. Stop it all of yous, no violence at the aunt. Or I'll fakin do you right in, you shower of cunts.

Stan. You can't say that Mum!

Mum. Drop dead you cunt! I'll take you all on you dirty fucking shits.

Mum pulls out a carving knife and goes for Stan. Stan jumps out of the way as Mum swings, she cuts Arthur's head in half and his brains pour onto the turkey.

Stan. Lovely spread!

Raucous cockney laughter.

Olive. Oh Arthur, what have they done to you?

Stan. You stupid fat bitch, he's fucking lost half his head, meaning he don't hear no more, meaning he's fucking snuffed it woman.

Olive. Oh, well I'll have his tea then.

Mum. Good girl, lovely appetite.

Stan (to camera) This is one fucked up situation.

Jacko enters.

Jack. Merry Christmas you fuckers!

Mum. What the fuck would you know about Christmas, you fucking 4 by 2!

Jack. What the fuck are you talking about you stupid ol' cunt?

Stan. Don't talk to mum like that I'll have you killed you cunt.

Mum. The size of that I suppose, you look more Jewish than Fagin, he he he.

Jack. Your ol Mum's lost the plot.

Stan. What are you doin' ere any ol' how, I thought you were down the rub?

Jack. I was but it's full of dustbins and they were all about to kick off with a read and write so I fucked off here, I thought I'd pop into wish you all the best. Wish I aint fakin bothered you dirty skirt mum cunt.

Stan. My mum is not a dirty skirt!

Jack. Oh fuck off loser, what's happened to Arthur?

Olive. Mum cut his head off.

Jack. Good, he was a cunt.

Stan. Your not wrong.

Enter Blakey.

Stan. What the fuck is going on ere! I thought you were inside for raping those strippers at the busman's do.

Blakey. I was, but this pedo who I was sharing a cell with broke me out eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I've come for you Butler, I 'ate you Butler eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Butler. Yeah I know you do you doss cunt, I fakin ate you too you fucking shit and I've got a Christmas present for ya too ya kant!

Butler pulls out a previously well concealed bazooka and fires it at Blakey, he ducks and it flies out the door along with Stan's mum.

Olive. Oh Stan, you've gone and bazooka'd Mum.

Stan. Fuck off you fucking four eyed cunt.

Stan pulls out a previously well concealed cattle prod and shoves it in Olive's vagina. He lifts her up in the air and takes her upstairs where he fills the bath up and dumps her in it watching as she frazzles to death.

Jack. That's a bit harsh innit Stan?

Stan. Right that's it you clippy cunt.

Stan pulls out a previously well concealed road drill and sticks it into Jacko's head. Jack spins around like, well a spinning top I guess, until his lifeless torso comes to a halt.

Stan. Your fucking next Blakey, Blakey? Blakey?

Butler walks around the house looking for Blakey. He looks up and Blakey is stuck to the ceiling like a vampire.

Blakey. I've got you Butler, eehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Blakey pulls out a previously well concealed chainsaw and cuts off Stan's arms and legs. Once Stan can fight back no longer, Blakey takes it upon himself to rape Butler in the mouth and then all the lights go out and the transmission goes down and everyone gets the sack.

Merry Christmas.