Blakey is walking along the beautiful snow-covered paving stones on his way to work. The roads are icy and there is a nip in the air. He is approaching the depot when he sees the unthinkable, a picket line!
Blakey. Ehhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhh. What's going on ere? Ehhhhh. You can't picket it's Christmas Eve, all the folks need to go to see the lights up West End, eehhhh. And the kiddies need to get to Hamleys, eeehhhhhhh.
Stan and Jack are smoking fags and drinking out of a bottle of Grouse.
Stan. We're on strike Blakey. So baked patater!
Blakey. What? Strike? On strike for what Butlaaaaaaarrrr?
Stan. No Christmas do mate, that's what for. We work all year round, every hour that the good Lord sends, and no do, not even to celebrate the big fella's birthday. I mean, what kind of a muggy cunt corporation do we work for?
Jack. Yeah, so we decided to fuck off today's rota and have it here.
Blakey. Oh pipe down you clippy cunt. Now Butler, I'm warning you, if you don't get that bus out, you're fired, eehhhh. You know there have been cut backs due to the credit crunch, now what you should really be doing, instead of larking around drinking fucking scocth is getting that fakkkiinnn bus aaahhhtt, and be glad you've got a fakkkiinnn job you two bob muggy cunt.
Stan. Well you're fucked aint ya, coz I'm pissed as. I'm so pissed I couldn't even get it up when I was trying to stick me cock in my sister Olive's trap this morning, I've been drinking myself to death mate, so go and moan to some other cunt, you fucking cunt faced cunt.
Jack. Hold up there stan. Olive, your cock, her face. What's going on there?
Stan. Oh don't get all prude on me you clippy streak of piss. We all do it don't we?
The workers in the picket line are lost for words and stare at the floor.
Blakey. We all do what? Aaahhhh.
Stan. Rape family members. We all do it don't we? Don't we?
Blakey. No we don't you fucking 'orrible cunt. I'm calling the police, you're spending Christmas in the nick, fantastic. Aaaahhhh.
Jack. Stan, you're going down mate, unless you destroy the evidence.
Stan. You're right. Help me get this bus out, we'll drive to my place and kill Olive so she can't tell anyone that I've got her up the duff 24 times and all the kids are in the cellar.
Jack. Right o mate!
The bus pulls out, Blakey stands in front of it.
Blakey. Over my dead body you fucking cuntsss. Ahhhhh. Ehhhh. Agggghhhh, agggg aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The bus hits blakey. Stops, reverses, stops, goes forward, stops, reverses etc, until Blakey is a thin crust ham and pineapple.
Jack and Stan piss themselves. (Raucous cockney laughter)...(About time too, this has to be the slowest Christmas Special in tfatp's history, I mean where's the bit when other famous 70s sitcom stars show up for no apparent reason and get brutally killed?... Oh here we go).
The bus skids across the roads on the ice. Ronnie Barker and David Jason are standing outside their shop.
Ronnie. Fuck me Granville, that bus looks pissed as a fart. Go and have a look.
David. Eh? what are you going to do whilst I'm looking at a speeding bus coming towards me? Hello, hello?
Barker has legged it inside and run upstairs and is flicking vs at his co worker from the first floor window.
Barker - Merry Christmas you fuckwit.
The bus ploughs into the shop taking the tank top wearing cunt with it.
Barker pisses himself laughing, until he realises his shop is no more. Close up of Barker...
Barker. CUNTS!!!! (Raucous cockney laughter)
End of Part One.
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