Please find below part 3 of our tribute to On The Buses by Winston Mullins.
The depot.
Blakey. EEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. So has everyone bought their raffle tickets then Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
Butler. Yeah got 'em right here and the like.
Blakey. Right well, bring 'em to the do tonight at the cemetery Gates pub and we'll pull the draw then.
Jack. Pull. Drawers. Ha ha ha (raucous cockney laughter).
Butler rolls his eyes and mutters something under his breath.
INT The cemetery Gates pub, evening. The Bus lads Xmas do is in full swing.
Butler. Here ya go Blakey, get your laughing gear around that and the like!
Jack. What are you doin' buying Blakey drinks for Stan?
Butler (whispering). I pissed in it! (Raucous cockney laughter). And then I dropped some sniff in their too! Ha ha.
Jack. You saucy bugger, it could kill him with that ticker of his.
Butler. Fuckin' hope so, the cunt! (Raucous Cockney Laughter).
Blakey swigs down the drink, and walks to the toilet.
Jack. Fuckin' hell that kicked in quick. Soft cunt! (Raucous cockney laughter).
Butler. Right where's the fucking strippers you fucking cunts?
Barman. I didn't book any strippers, I wasn't told to.
Butler. Well I'm fuckin' tellin' ya now...And the like. so Find us some strippers or your fucking dead you two bob cunt.
Jack. Woah, calm down there Stan, you'll get us barred.
Butler. Fuck off you cunt. They can't bar me, I am On the Buses. You lot are just the help, now lick my fuckin' shoes.
Blakey comes out of the shit house, with sick all over him.
Blakey. I fucking heard that Butler. EEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Depends who you talk to if you ask me, a lot of viewers would see me as the mainstay of On The Buses. (Big cheer and raucous cockney laughter). Agreed Jack's just furniture, useless hippy cunt.
Jack. You fuckin' cunts, I work my arse off here, and I get all the fucking laughs. Fuckin' homos! (raucous cockney laughter)
Butler (to barman) Get me some fucking strippers or you all die!
Blakey. Changing the subject are we? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oi turn this up, I'm in the mood for dancing.
Some gabba is playing and Blakey starts to dance around like a nutter.
Strippers are rushed in, and they look like it too.
Butler. Fuck me look at the boat on that. Oi barman, got any bags for their boats?
Jack and Butler put plastic bags over the strippers faces and then start spit roasting them. Raucous cockney laughter. Then Blakey joins in as he is well in the mood.
Blakey. Take it you fucking bitch, I'm gonna drown you in jizz. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, suck that cum out!!!
Butler and Jack stare in disbelief at Blakey.
Butler. You can't talk to richards like that, it's not on.
Jack. Only we can talk to the dirty skirts like that Blakey.
Blakey. Fuck off and die eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Suck it bitch, eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm the king of the jizzers.
The police enter.
Jack. Fuck me it's the fuzz. Blakey stop or they'll nick ya.
Bill. hello, hello...
Blakey. Fuck off you bill cunt!
Bill. Right that's it Blakey you speech impediment cunt, your nicked.
Blakey pulls out a previously well concealed flame thrower and burns all the flesh off the copper. (Big cheer, raucous cockney laughter)
Jack. You just killed a pig Blakey, your gonna spend Christmas in the nick.
Blakey. Who fuckin' cares as long as I get me bitches I don't give a fuck.
At this point one of the plastic bags suffocates a stripper and the writer is instantly fired.
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2 comments:
Oi, Suomi, whoever the fak you are. We cannot be held responsible for Mr Winston Mullins' take on 70's popular culture.
You should also turn your talents to a Rigsbearian revival, but, frankly, you'll never top this.
You've all done very well.
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